Enneagram Type 9 Blueprint: The Conflict-Avoidant PeacemakerFeb 07, 2022
(By Eldad Ben-Moshe)
❤ Hey there Better Lifers!
Welcome to another episode of The Enneagram Blueprint.
And this time we're going to talk about type nine, The Conflict-Avoidant Peacemaker.
But before we dive right into that, two words of wisdom, as usual:
If you haven't seen the previous episodes of the show, I highly recommend watching the introduction video which is all about what is the Enneagram and how is it so successful in changing so many people's lives.
I go over some of the basic concepts and why are they so relevant to making real changes in our life.
Kind of like leveling the grounds of what the Enneagram is and what certain things about the Enneagram you should be aware of before you start diving into that world.
And also, if you are already deep inside the world of the Enneagram, some things can change from one teacher to the other.
So you might want to look at that to get a deeper understanding of how specifically I work, teach, and coach with the Enneagram. So that's the introduction video.
The other video I want to recommend to you to watch is the video about type one, which because it was the first type we dealt with, in the first five, six minutes or so of that video I gave some general remarks about finding your type and about the names of the types and stuff like that.
So there's that, too.
Of course, all the videos are great. And the video about each type will give you information about that type. But I wanted to name those specific parts because they're kind of out of the each-video-is -about-each-type kind of cycle.
So far in the Enneagram blueprint series, we had the introduction video - what is the enneagram; type one - the critical reformer; type two - the proud helper; type three - the self-promoting achiever; type four - the dramatic creative; type five - the detached intellectual; type six - the doubting loyal; type seven - the hedonistic visionary; and type eight - the aggressive protector.
This is not my full online course or non-online, in-person course. This is a taste. So there's only so much I can dive into - even in an online course there's only so much I can dive into.
But the important thing is that here, in the Enneagram Blueprint series, I'm going to give you the essential blueprint of the nine types. It will be a quick description of each type, and it is going to be beautiful.
And now, without further ado, and just like a good nine, let's go straight to the point and talk about type nine of the Enneagram, The Conflict-Avoidant Peacemaker.
Type 9's Blueprint: The Conflict-Avoidant Peacemaker.
1. Type 9's core belief.
So with that said and done, let's dive right into the world of type nine, The Conflict-Avoidant Peacemaker.
And full disclosure, I'm a type nine myself. I'll try to make it as objective as possible, not glorifying the nines and also not putting them down.
And I hope this will be a beautiful, pleasant, interesting, calm, peaceful ride for you because that is a lot of what the world of nines is about.
And you might already feel the change of tone and energy once I just started saying that. And let's see how this evolves throughout our journey.
So as always, I start with the core belief. And if you want to know why I start with the core belief, go to the first video, the introduction video.
I gave the whole section about that and why everything, basically in our personality types, in our defense mechanism, in our ego structure, call it what you want, it starts from the core belief.
And the core belief of nines is I am not important. I don't matter. In fact, maybe nothing really matters when you think of it. You could say that maybe it matters, but it doesn't really matter all that much.
And maybe, okay, maybe I'm kind of important to some people, but not really important. And maybe I matter sometimes to some people, but I don't really, really matter.
Therefore, I better get along with others. I better blend in. I better not create any conflicts. I better not make waves or rock the boat.
And notice that unlike other types that I spoke of, I didn't say I 'must' get along with people, I 'must' do this and this and that. And I even emphasized in some of the videos the importance of 'must' here.
And while it's true that for nines it's also a 'must', in the background, in our perception of things, not many things are a 'must'. It's such a big, strong, bold, unflexible, certain word.
There's nothing that can go beyond that 'must' thing. It's kind of like an unshakeable truth. And our world is kind of different, you know, 'better' is much more nine-ish than 'must'.
It's more flowing, it's more gentle. It leaves room for exceptions. It's more embracing all of the possibilities. It's more adaptable. It's much more nine-ish.
'And maybe other people know what they 'must' do. But me? Well, I think that maybe I am better off not making waves, probably, and not knowing for certainty what I want and what I should do and what's the undeniable certain truth, you know? I think, I don't know. That kind of makes sense to me sometimes...'
That was a bit of energy of the nine right there and there's truth in that, not just in the energy. Many times for nines - other people, maybe they know for certainty. Maybe they 'must' know and 'must' do things, but it's not really me.
I'm more flowing, easygoing, adaptable, and seeing all aspects of the situation and all points of view. And that's my world. That's the world of a nine.
I'm saying mine, and this time, I sometimes say mine in other videos, and this time it's a double meaning. And pardon the double meaning here.
It's not necessarily how I, as Eldad, always see the world. As you might remember from the introduction video, it's a dynamic, complex modality, the Enneagram.
You might remember the analogy of the nine rooms and you visit all rooms and there's one room that is your main room. That's the analogy of the main type.
But you have access to the other rooms and sometimes you're in that aspect of your personality type and sometimes you're in another type and sometimes...
But the point I make is that speaking of me, for example, sometimes I see the world from that perspective, and usually I do, either consciously or unconsciously.
The more you do work on yourself, you can rise up to the higher levels of the type, deal with these stories and the core beliefs, see where they create unnecessary suffering, see the prices that you're paying for them.
See where the lower part of the type is taking over and you can deal with that.
And the good news with the Enneagram, it's not just, "Okay, here's a map. That's what happens to nines!".
If you know how to, and that's part of my training as an Enneagram coach, you can also use the Enneagram to go beyond your habitual pattern and your core beliefs and all that stuff and be more awake and more aware in your life and less on your automatic patterns and less allowing the type and the defense strategy run your life.
And instead, you can use it where it's appropriate and use the higher parts of the type and the gifts of the type more in your life than the lower parts and the things that get you stuck in pain and suffering and get your life kind of mucky.
2. Type 9's core need.
So with all that said, from the core belief come the core need and the core fear.
So as always, I'll say that the core need, we all have two main core needs which are to be loved and to be safe, survival or safety.
And then each type has its own special core need on top of that or alongside that. At least that's the way I see it. You don't always hear that being spoken of in the Enneagram world.
Actually, I haven't heard that from others at all. I'm not saying they don't say it, I'm just saying I didn't hear that.
So for nines, the core need is peace. And especially peace of mind.
So some things that can help with that in the perception of nines are harmony with their environment and simplicity. They can be many times perceived as keys for peace, but they are not the core need.
There's some confusion sometimes. So harmony generally and with the environment, with people, and simplicity, simple life, are means to an end in that sense. And the end is having peace, peace of mind, peaceful life.
Let me be in peace, live and let live. I won't harm you. You won't harm me. Everything's okay. I'll just be here in my little corner here.
It can be a beautiful lit corner. It doesn't have to be a dark, cold corner, but I'll just sit here on my hammock, lie down and be peaceful.
So while peace is considered their core need, they also constantly desire and yearn for unconditional love and union. And that's really important. And that's consciously and unconsciously.
There's a deep desire to constantly give and receive love and be in the perfect union, the perfect love.
And that too I dive deeper into it in different aspects when you connect more advanced courses about the Enneagram to that point and we can start talking about why we have certain core beliefs and where that comes from.
Specifically, with nines, it's very easy to see that when you get to that level of discussion.
But I want to put it out there because that's a really strong core need for them as well. It's not as obvious as on the surface, and peace still is considered their core need.
So more about that, and also about how, for example, the nine with an intimate or sexual or one-on-one instinct is kind of having a 'double down' on the yearning for unconditional love and union.
And also if you want to know what instincts are, it's a huge piece of the puzzle in the Enneagram. And again, there's only so much I can do in an introduction video. So we'll leave that for other courses.
3. Type 9's core fear.
Alongside the core need, we said, from the core belief comes the core fear.
And the core fear for nines is also many times being misunderstood.
I'm not the only one who says that their core fear is loss and separation, but some people think that their core fear is conflict, and hence conflict-avoidant behavior. But it's not really true.
The reason nines avoid conflicts is because, in their mind, conflicts will lead to loss and separation. This is the real motivation for being conflict-avoidant, and avoiding conflict sometimes at all cost.
But it helps to understand their real core fear because, as you'll see when we get to the behaviors part and other parts, it all stems from this. So when you understand why they do certain things, it's easier to see the whole structure.
And also, if you're a professional, how to work with nines, or if you're friends with them, how to deal with them in daily life, what works, what doesn't work, what ways to talk to them, where to let them be, where to push, and so on and so on.
So this all becomes really important as you dive deeper.
Think of it as if you have a strong foundation, a strong understanding of the foundations of the type, you can more easily understand the rest of it, and also know how to deal with certain situations. Also, if you're a nine, of course.
So for the same reason, they'll also strive to avoid complications and being around people that are angry, people that are tense, and controlling, and bossy, and know-it-alls, and judgmental and stuff like that for the same reason.
Complication and this kind of people will trigger the whole fear of loss and separation. I just try to have it simple, and easy, and flowing, and everything's okay, so that we won't have to get to that point of loss and separation. I'd rather be at peace.
In fact, you can say that anything that smells from rigidity and lack of peace, lack of ease, and lack of space to be and take your time will be instinctively avoided.
Conflicts are just one form of that. And avoiding them is simply one way of avoiding the whole theme.
So that's, again, how you can see that knowing the basics, the foundations, helps you understand all the smaller forms and examples of things.
Now, another way to talk about their core fear is fear of being overlooked, fear of being ignored, fear of being left out, fear of being cut off, cut off from everyone and everything.
And this is also a shadow of the core fear of being out of love. And I'm talking about capital L Love, spiritually, out of The Love and The Harmony that everyone is a part of.
And if you're not a spiritual person, then put that aside. But if you are, think of that perfect love and perfect harmony and perfect oneness, and my fear of being cut out of that. I lose breath as I even say that.
And that might be more in the back of the mind and less conscious part as many times spiritual things can be.
So another aspect of that is not being able to give and receive love. You remember I spoke before about that constant desire to give and receive love?
So there's that fear which is part of the fear of being cut out of that love and harmony. Part of that is I won't be able to give and receive love, which is like I might as well not breathe. It's not possible for me to live without that.
So I can tell you personally, one of my most painful times in life is when I yearn to give and receive love and I can't because I'm alone.
Either alone in the sense that I don't have a romantic partner or just one of the times in my life that I go hiking for a long time and I'm alone and all of a sudden I have this desire to give and receive love.
It's wonderful to be one with nature and all but sometimes that yearning comes out and you don't have that.
And sometimes it's with a partner. Sometimes you fall out of love or dissatisfied or whatever, and you yearn to give and receive love and you can't. And these are some of the most painful times in life for me and for other nines that I hear of as well.
And given the core belief of nines that I don't matter, that we don't matter, this becomes even more painful. And it even strengthens that false belief.
That aloneness and not being able to give and receive love -I don't matter, and everybody else can give and receive love and look at them. It's how the ego works sometimes.
And that's room for a lot of compassion for nines and their situation.
There's a lot of sadness and grief and the predicament of nines even if they do everything they can to not be in touch with it. It's there.
And one more thing about that, giving and receiving love - it's not just with romantic partners, it's also with friends.
The joy of being friends and giving and receiving love in that manner, a friendly manner, and enjoying life together. And it's also part of the union piece. Again, it's not just with romantic partners.
4. Type 9's strategy and tactics.
So if that is my core belief, from that stem my core need and core fear. I need to have a way to fulfill my need and avoid my fear, right?
And that's what I refer to as strategy. And that's the same for all types - that desire to fulfill the need and avoid the fear. Avoid what we are afraid of. That's the strategy.
And the tactics is how to do it, how to fulfill my core need, how to avoid my core fear. And that differs from type to type.
And for type nines, to be loved and to be safe and to belong and to avoid loss and separation, I must, or in a nine-ish word, I better get along with others.
I better blend in, I better not create conflicts, not create a mess, not make waves, not rock the boat, just let things flow. I don't need to be causing any scenes here. I don't need to be creating any troubles and any problems.
If I want to belong, be loved, be safe, have peace, and not create situations of loss and separation in my life I just better be agreeable, I better be calm, I better be peaceful.
I will just be laid back and easy going and live and let live, so that I won't even be noticed at times.
If I'm not noticed, no one can fight with me, no one can separate from me, no one can create a situation of loss and separation as ironic as it sounds, right?
Because of course when you look at it from the outside and not from the ego's story, like all the other types, it can sound ridiculous from another side.
Of course, if I'm not even noticed, I'm creating what I'm trying to avoid, that loss and separation and stuff like that. But in the mind of the nine, it can make sense.
And even more so that a lot of it is behind the scenes. And kind of like I won't bother them and they won't separate from me, right? I won't create conflicts, no one will fight with me and no one will leave me.
And it's not just fear of abandonment, it goes deeper. And of course, we all have fear of abandonment.
And that's part of the nine rooms analogy and how this is a dynamic module and complex because we all have some pieces of the other types, but only nines will have that core fear and that core need.
And therefore only they will have that strategy as their main way of dealing with life.
5. Type 9's automatic focus of awareness.
So in order to have that, I need to know some things about the world and about people.
So my automatic focus of awareness as a nine will go to other people's agenda, their desires, their wants, their needs, their fears.
Because if I can know that I can merge and blend in. I can go along to get along. I can be out of your way. I can just flow with you on your way and avoid conflict.
If I know what you want, I can avoid contradicting it. If you want to go and eat in an Italian restaurant right now, I can avoid saying I want to go to eat Chinese food.
If you want to see that movie, let's say you want to see a comedy, I can avoid saying, well, I actually want to see a more serious, deep movie right now. And these are real examples.
Even though they might sound small, it goes everywhere in our lives. And that's true to all types, not just to nines. It goes to the little things and the big things.
So if I know you want to see a comedy and I want to see a big heavy drama or something deep, many times nines will either be out of touch with what they want so they won't know that they want that thing that can contradict your needs and wants.
Or they'll just ignore it and play it down and say, "It doesn't matter that much. I don't care. Let's watch a comedy. That's going to be great. I want to laugh. I want to laugh. It's good. It's good."
And we're not aware of what's happening behind the scenes. And that's where the Enneagram is so helpful. It brings into awareness the things that we don't see that are actually running our lives.
It brings the unconscious to the conscious. But even more so within a framework of why it's so important and how is it affecting your life so much.
And that's also why I like to do it in a step-by-step kind of way, starting from the core belief and going to the core need and core fear and all the way trickles down to the behaviors.
Because that helps you see how it's all connected and how you can see the effects and go all the way up to the cause and deal with the cause of it all.
Now, going back to the automatic focus of awareness, I had a coaching client and he said "My wife wants the kids to go to this school. I don't really like that school, I would rather them go to this other school.
But maybe it's better that they go to the school that she wants them to go to. I can see why she wants that. I can see the good parts in that, and I can see the bad parts in the school that I want them to go to.
And maybe it's better that they go to the school that she wants. And also it's more important that we will be at peace and we will be good together.
Eventually, it doesn't really matter what school they'll go to, they'll be fine. And it's not that I don't care what school they go to, but that's a good school too.
So they'll be fine either way. And it doesn't really matter. It's not worth the fight and the conflicts over it. I just rather have peace instead."
And that's an example of someone who actually did know what he wants and did see that what he wants was different than what his wife wanted, which is a big step forward in the game for nines.
So that's an example both of substance, how it looks like, but also of the energy of it and how their inner dialogue is going on.
Again, if they're already aware that they actually want something that they care about to a degree, and that it contradicts the desire and wants and thoughts and beliefs of someone else.
6. Type 9's automatic focus of actions.
So if that's my focus of awareness and that's my tactics and all that, my automatic focus of actions would be creating harmony and avoiding conflict, just like I demonstrated now with that example of my client.
The whole automatic mechanism created an action of, "Yeah, okay, I hear you, let's do what you wanted."
and inside there's also A self-convincing. Convincing myself that it really is better or it doesn't matter and it's better to have peace.
Part of their strategy mechanism is that they'll be able to see all points of view, and like anything at a higher level it's a beautiful gift and at the lower level, it's being used by the ego's defense mechanism in a destructive way.
Like in that example which, let's not talk about that specific client, but let's say that in a similar situation one parent wants the kids to go to a really bad school because they don't got it together.
And some people maybe they have an emotional attachment to that school, but it's not a better school, it's far worse school.
And the nine I will many times just give up even though it believes the other school is much better just because of everything I shared so far.
So it can be like any other type. When we go down that rabbit hole, when we go down to the shadows of the type, it can lead to real catastrophes in the life of ourselves and others.
It really is important to know why are we living the way we live, why are we doing things the way we do.
It is really a life-changing skill to be able to see these things and use them daily in your daily life and implement them and create a huge change in your life.
It really is life-changing and life-saving.
So with all that said, let's skip ahead to the self-image.
7. Type 9's self-image.
If I want to have this core need, avoid this core fear. If I want to maintain this kind of peaceful life and all that, I need to have a certain self-image consciously and unconsciously that will just fit into that life.
So for nines, it is I'm peaceful, I'm loving, I'm easy going, I'm calm, I'm content.
I'm kind, I'm considerate, I'm gentle, I'm harmonious.
I'm a good listener. I'm a good friend. I'm simple. Even sometimes simple-minded. I'm quiet. I'm patient.
Nothing special. Notice how there's nothing to fight with here in all these things, right? And how I'm here for you. I'm a good listener. I'm a good friend.
I'm patient, I'm loving. I'm easygoing. I'm here for you. I can contain and hold you with this beautiful, peaceful, calm, serene love. And there's definitely nothing to fight about here.
Another aspect of their self-image is that I'm enduring and I'm persistent. I have the stamina to keep going for the long run in spite of everything.
And that too is important because I don't need to fight as much for things. I can endure it. I have that stamina.
I can take it. I'm not necessarily as strong as the eight, and again notice the change in tone and the physical gesture, but I'm enduring, I'm persistent. I can take it. I can deal with that.
I'll be okay. "You know, I'm okay, I guess." That's a very nine-ish vibe, "you know? I'm okay" or even "I'm okay, I guess."
And again, notice the energy of all that I've shared here in the self-image. How flowing and gentle, not imposing, not interfering, not in your face.
I'm just positive towards others and simple and easygoing and really just good things here. Just good things. Don't look for troubles here.
There's nothing to fight and make conflicts and no reason for loss and separation, ever, ever. Everything is okay here.
8. Type 9's gifts (“healthy”/ balanced/ high level of development).
And that leads us to the part about the behaviors of the nines. And that would be always what you would expect to see from nines.
Everybody is a person on his own. Sometimes we go to other rooms and sometimes we go to our authentic self.
But still, these are common behaviors for nines. And as always, I'll divide it into two parts.
We'll start with the healthy or balanced or high levels of development, and we'll continue to the lower levels of development, unhealthy and balanced parts of the behavior.
So on the higher level, they can be authentically peaceful and easygoing. Now notice the word authentically.
We'll get to the lower levels and you can see how that can be a fake peace and a fake easygoing. But since we're starting with the higher levels, they can be honestly peaceful and easygoing.
And we're talking also about emotional peace, the kind of peace that helps you deal with life's ups and downs and turmoils and all that stuff.
We're talking about the quiet mind that is so adored by spiritual paths. We're talking about making others feel comfortable and at ease as well because they radiate that peacefulness and that easiness.
In the lower levels, I'll just give you a little hint of what's coming up, it can definitely be a spiritual bypass. It can be the illusions of peace and of acceptance.
And going back to what I said about the quiet mind that spiritual paths adore so much, it can definitely be a nine not aware that he's really not dealing with the things inside and just pushing them away, thinking that he has peace and quietness.
And that's why I'm saying the illusion of peace and acceptance. But again, in the high levels of the nines, it can be authentically peaceful, authentically easy-going.
Authentically accepting, authentically seeing all points of views' validity. But because we're talking about the higher levels of development now, it's without all that being on their own expense.
Without giving up on what they think, what they feel, what they want, etc, etc, etc. What they need, what they agree with, all these things, they tend to give up on.
Either not be aware of their existence or be aware and give up on them. So when I'm talking about this on the higher side, I'm always talking about without giving that up.
They can be very adaptable to whatever happens, which is a great quality. Helps also with the whole survival of the species thing, but also emotionally and mentally to know that you can be adaptable and to deal with things that way.
A lot of the threat and fear element goes away through that which again contributes to the whole authentic peace part.
They can be pleasant, gentle, kind, considerate, easy to be around.
But again, as long as we're not talking about giving themselves up or not forgetting or ignoring themselves and their emotions and their needs and stuff like that.
Otherwise, we're not talking about it being authentic and we're not talking about the higher levels of development for them.
Nines are both empaths and empathic.
If you don't know the difference, empaths are people who experience the emotions of others and empathic are people who have empathy for others. so they have both of those qualities.
And they are great peacemakers and mediators. Hence "The Conflict-Avoiding Peacemaker."
So they can be great at that because they can see honestly, they can really honestly see and connect with all points of view and the validity of all the points of view.
And they can do that rationally and emotionally. Nines can emotionally connect with your point of view, even if it's the furthest away from my point of view.
Or if I'm a mediator, which, by the way, I was before I was a coach, I was a lawyer and a mediator.
And so that is a really great quality for a mediator, to be able to sit with two people, and also for a friend, be able to sit with two people, see the validity in both their points of view and help them build a bridge between them to get things resolved.
And that also helps when you have two friends fighting or when you're fighting with someone.
If I can still see my point of view, which is the healthy part of the nine but also see your point of view, which is another part of the healthy part of nine, I can build a bridge between us.
Or at least for myself, even if you don't want that bridge or you're not there. I can build that bridge for myself to have that authentic peace as a result of the conflict, at least for myself and ideally for both of us. But it takes two to tango.
So their peaceful energy also helps with that a lot, with the ability to be good peacemakers and mediators.
And also they're focusing automatically on the similarities rather than what separates people apart. So what's similar in what you're saying and what she's saying, for example.
Where I can see the connection points going back to the need for union and connection and all that.
So all of these and more help them be great peacemakers and mediators, whether professionally or just in their environment and in their relationships and in their lives and lives of their friends.
They are, again on the higher level, very nonjudgmental, very supportive, very patient, they're great listeners and open-minded.
When I do certification courses for coaches, certification to become an Enneagram coach, one of the strengths for Enneagram coaches that are nines, that nine is their main type, is that they can make other people feel listened to in a way that many times the clients say, 'hey, just for being able to be heard and listen to in that way, it's worth everything before even making changes in my life.' So this is a huge quality for coaches, for therapists, and for friends.
I never studied that specifically, but I hear that many many many people who go to therapists are actually nines, and many people who are considered natural therapists are nine.
I'm not saying all good therapists are nines and all good coaches are nines. I'm not saying all nines are good coaches and good therapists. But you can see perhaps how this is a huge quality for someone in that profession.
They can get along with almost anyone, and they actually do get along with almost anyone.
I remember one time I had a good friend of mine who had a guest from a different country, they met in different circumstances when my friend was traveling and then that guy came over to Israel and it was a different scenario.
And somehow that guy didn't bond so well with everybody. And I was telling my friend how I'm not really bonding with that guy and I'm not feeling like I want to spend time with him.
And my friend was saying, "I'm so happy to hear you say that because you're never saying any time that you have issues with someone and I've never seen you not wanting to spend time with someone."
And I'm an introvert even more so, that might be surprising. But it's not because I really want to be with that person, but because go along to get along, and merge and flow with what's happening now. And I guess that's okay. It could be worse.
And I can see the good things in that person and I don't want to be creating problems and all that stuff. So that's an example for my personal life, maybe about 20-ish years ago.
And the other side of it is that they're usually well-liked by others. And of course, some nines are not. And some people don't like me and it's okay.
But generally speaking, because of their calm demeanor and stuff like that, they're usually very liked, even if the nine itself, the person itself who has a nine personality, isn't aware of that.
I can tell you again a personal story of how many people I was surprised to learn in hindsight, or still when we were connecting, but I was shocked to learn that they liked me.
There's something in the mechanism of the nines, part of the ego's tactics is to make them feel that they don't matter, right? Because that's the core belief, I don't matter. I don't matter.
So when that's your core belief, it's easy to see how you'd think you're not liked even when you are liked. And how nines take things that people say and do or don't say and don't do and give it a false meaning.
Like a meaning that they don't love me, or they don't want to be with me, or they don't care as much. Or I'm not part of the core of the group, they kind of like me, but not really, not as much as they like these other people and so on and so on.
They can be truly and honestly nonattached and they can let go of things in a peaceful, healthy, authentic way.
And this is huge in terms of dealing with suffering, and stories, and growing spiritually, and psychologically growing, and all that stuff, but only if it's authentic.
In the lower levels, it's not authentic even if the nines think it is. Even if I think that I'm really peacefully letting go of it and I'm really, honestly not attached. In the lower level, it can seem like that both externally and internally to the nine itself.
So there's a huge importance for the ability to discern where am I operating from now.
Is this from the higher level of the nine or any type with other examples which are not just this specific example - the higher level of the type or the lower level of type?
Who is talking now, my ego or my authentic self? So that's a thing I practice a lot with my coaching clients and with myself to this day for many, many years. I keep practicing that on myself.
Because one of the most important things you can do in life is to understand which part of you is talking now: your ego or your authentic self? Your defense mechanism, or your authentic self?
In the higher levels, their authentic peace and calmness stay with them even in really hard, dire, stressful circumstances where other people are panicking. And again, I'm talking about the authentic higher level of the nine.
And when that happens, they even radiate that peace and calm on others and help them calm down and soothe in a good, practical manner. Not to say there's a fire, now let's be calm and not run out of the house.
But we can deal with the crisis in a peaceful yet focused manner, as opposed to panicking and being in more stress and stuff like that, and lashing out. That's another superpower of nines.
It helps deal with problems. It helps solve problems. And healthy nines are potentially excellent, peaceful, relaxed leaders.
This is ironic because many times the thing about leaders is that they're go-getters, and people that tell people what to do, or know exactly what they want and how to get it.
And that's very not nine-ish, at least on the lower levels of the nine. But that's, again, the distinction between the higher level and the lower level.
In the lower levels, they have the gifts and the healthy part of the type and less of the unhealthy. So they can be peaceful, relaxed, even charismatic leaders in a quiet manner.
Because people do get attracted to that radiating peace and likeability and calm confidence that they can radiate as high-level nines.
And in that sense of higher-level nines, they do know how to take action, what action is needed, and the priorities and all the things that we'll get to in the shadows that they are challenged within their daily lives as nines.
They do know how to be firm and strong and assertive when it's needed as nines and in a good, beautiful, loving way, not like in an aggressive, abusive way.
So it's kind of like a quiet strength that affects people and wants people to have them as their leaders.
And they are excellent, also another piece of that leadership part, they can be excellent in seeing the bigger picture and therefore leading people in a wise manner or advising.
Many roles of advisors are good for nines in their higher level. In the lower level, they're terrible advisors.
Another gift they have is that they are very perceptive, very sharp, and more so as part of their gut feeling, their intuition.
They can hear what's not being said, feel the energy, and somehow kind of know things that are beyond the apparent or the things that are said.
And that's part of their being in the gut or body center. And if you don't know about centers, that's a more advanced topic.
But that's an explanation, I opened the door for the explanation of why they are perceptive and have very sharp gut feelings and intuition. Again, if they are connected to themselves. We're talking about the higher levels.
In the lower level, they're too numb to even notice that. At the higher level, they are rooted in their being.
It's a sense of being that comes with this whole gut or body center, and the essence of being. They are rooted in that.
And therefore that helps you understand maybe why they can be so perceptive and sharp and intuitive.
And when they are connected to their instinctive qualities, that loops again back to the leadership role.
They are very powerful and charismatic when they are connected with their instinctive qualities. So again, it's like being in the essence of your being, rooted in your being.
And again, notice my body gestures, well maybe the camera doesn't go all the way down, but it goes all the way down to my core, to my abdomen.
If you know more about physical centers in your body, you'll know more about what I'm talking about.
Another piece of that higher levels of them, they can be authentically dedicated to real inner peace, peace in the world, and peace in their environment.
They can also honestly live a very simple yet happy and satisfying life without the denial and the spiritual bypass and inauthentic image and stuff like that, which is always a danger with nines.
It's hard to see, unless you studied it, you practiced it, it's hard to see sometimes when it's authentic and when it isn't.
It can seem and feel as if it's authentic, even when it's really a spiritual bypass and inauthentic image keeping and stuff like that.
And speaking of the image, it can be that they are either consciously aware that they are not really satisfied with the simplicity and not really happy, and they're denying that or putting off a false image of the self.
Or they are unaware that they are unsatisfied with their simple and happy life and they just keep doing that because that's the automatic pattern. That's part of the story, right?
Keep things simple and easy and don't make a mess, don't create problems, don't rock the boat, don't make waves.
Part of their ego's trick, basically, is to make them believe that it's authentic, that they really don't care, that they really don't matter, this really don't matter, that they really don't need anything in the situation.
It's part of the ego strategy there.
Speaking of the nine's 'it doesn't matter' pattern, I was asked by Redfin to be a part of an Enneagram experts group and share my tips on how to design your home based on your Enneagram type.
I got to write about type 9, and you can see what I wrote that Enneagram nines should avoid their habitual tendency to think of things and themselves – and their home’s design – as “not really that important”.
Instead, they’ll be wise to use this opportunity to invest in themselves, their well-being, and celebrate creating a home that they will love living in.
They can be unpretentious and unassuming and creative and optimistic.
And they can be very caring. And I spoke about the listening qualities before as a good friend.
But on a lower level of that, which we're almost there in the shadow part but I'll start opening the door to that, their quality of being a good friend and caring and listening, combined with their qualities of not standing up for themselves and not thinking that they matter and what they need matter, many times they get abused and being used by people.
Some people are attracted to those kinds of people who are easily used and manipulated. Enneagram twos also experience that.
Sometimes they attract these kinds of people who are abusive and using and manipulative because they can be, the nines and twos, can be soft and easy and easy-going, and they're focusing on your agenda rather than on their agenda.
So again, in lower levels of development, they're more easily used and manipulated.
And going back to the higher level of being a good friend, that's what they want. It's a part of what they want.
Remember their core need and the desire to have the union and divine love that they yearn for, and the giving and receiving of love.
Which again, creates part of the bigger picture together with the need for peace and peace of mind, this all creates the environment of being a good, caring friend. I want that union.
And as a high nine, they have the ability to create that and authentically connect with people in such a beautiful way and become such good friends.
And this is how the mechanism can bring so many beautiful gifts too, not just the bad part.
So their mechanism, their way of being, helps create that beautiful union of friendship or romantic or spiritual union. So there's that.
And last but not least, and it relates to the part about being a good friend, they can be very supportive, they can be of great help for others. And again, at the higher level, they'll do it not at their own expense.
And that also ties back to the piece about being natural therapists, encouragers, peacemakers, caregivers, and good benevolent leaders, as well.
9. Type 9's shadows (“unhealthy”/ unbalanced/ lower levels of development).
So enough about how nines can be good, Mr. Eldad nine. Tell us about the bad things about nines because you can't be biased about nines.
Tell us, tell us the downsides of nines so that we can help them grow. And if we are nines, we can grow.
And if we're therapists and coaches, we can see the predicament and know the pitfalls. And if we are their partners we'll know what to be aware of as well.
And for all these reasons and more, let's talk about the shadow side, the unhealthy part of the nine's defense mechanism.
So one of their core faults and main patterns that sabotage their lives is that they often feel like they are overlooked, and not seen, and not liked, and not included - even when it's not true. And that's huge.
That's huge in the sense of how they walk in the world, with what feelings and that self-value and all that, and how crippling that can be if you want to be a happy person and a person that has confidence and gain things in life and do things in life.
But also it's horrendous to relationships.
Early on in my relationship with my wife, at some point I moved to live with her - we're from different countries so it was pretty early on that I moved in with her.
And I remember she went out with a friend of hers and she just told me, 'hey, I'm going out with her to town tonight' and that's it. And I was really, really hurt. She didn't say "and that's it." That's what she said.
I was really hurt. Really deeply hurt.
Why wouldn't she say, 'would you want to come, join us? Do you want to come with us?'.
And in one part of me, I understand sometimes you just want to hang out with your friend alone and that's fine.
And I accepted that. And that was the easy part. The hard part was why am I not invited? Why am I overlooked? Why am I not liked? Why am I not included?
Now, the good thing about working on things is that you get to see things from other people's perspectives and get to understand that your stories are not necessarily the truth.
So my default was that if she didn't ask me to join explicitly, I'm not invited. She wants alone time with her friend.
But for her, when we spoke about it, I found out for her the default is the opposite. I'm her partner and I'm invited unless otherwise explicitly mentioned.
So for her, not saying that I'm invited, it was just that there's no need to state the obvious. Of course you're invited. We'd love to have you around.
And that is really the missing part for nines many times.
The part of 'we'd love to have you with us. We'd love to have you around.'
It wasn't the first time that I saw it in my life. I won't bore you with more examples and stories, but I'll tell you that's a real big deal.
That possibility that is missing from their perspective, that 'of course we want you there. We would prefer that you would be there. We love you.'
That is many times out of the scope of possibility for nines. It's not even a possibility. It can't be the explanation. It has to be something else.
Now, since Erica told me that, of course, you use that.
I used my knowledge of the Enneagram first of all, that when she told me that, instead of thinking 'maybe she's just saying that to be nice and to not make me feel bad', I used the Enneagram and what I know about the Enneagram and about nines to understand that I am likely to have this pattern of thinking that I'm not invited, not included, not seen. And trust me, I have it. And nines have it.
So knowing that first of all, helps you understand that maybe your ego's report, in reality, is not true. And that's true for all the types of different patterns. And maybe there's a different explanation.
And when that different explanation comes up you can see, 'oh, actually, I do have that pattern.' Or as a nine or as a four or whatever, I am likely to have that pattern, even if I don't see it.
So I can have more room for the other person's perspective and for my part in the problem and my part in my bad feelings. So that's one aspect of that.
Another aspect is that I was able to reflect, once that happened and I saw it, I heard Erica and I saw it, I was able to reflect about past times in my life that I felt like that.
And so 'oh, actually, maybe them too were not overlooking me, and not not liking me, and not not including me. Maybe it's just the way I felt because of my being a nine.'
And many of them were before I knew about Enneagram, earlier childhood and even early 20s and stuff like that.
So I was able to go back to these places, and even things that happened after (I understood that I'm a) a nine, because that's part of it being my automatic pattern and so compulsive and it colors things.
And it takes a conscious decision to dive into things and look at things, and conscious, active awareness of things in order to see that you were being hed by your ego.
So, you know, this revelation with Erica there and that instant helped me go over all these past things too, and see, oh, that might not have been the truth of it.
And that helped release a lot of stored pain that I had from certain situations in my past.
Another aspect of it is that understanding what happened there with Erica, theoretically not inviting me, helped me deal with future occurrences in my life with Erica and other people, in which I felt that, and 'oh, I remember that.'
No, I know it might be different than what my ego is telling me now. Maybe it's just like that time when Erica went with her friend and I thought I'm not invited.
So it's a good example of seeing how on so many levels, just one little piece of Enneagram can help you work in so many levels - past, present, future.
Save you a lot of pain from the past and from the present and probably from the future too.
And how wonderful it is to have such a beautiful, accurate tool, especially if you know how to use it and not fall into the false assumptions about Enneagram.
More about the downside in the shadows of the Enneagram nine, here we go.
They can get stuck on having comfort and be unwilling to do without them. And that can be different forms of what comfort means.
It can certainly be a comfortable couch or comfortable hammock, but it can also be derived from habits and familiar people or familiar places and familiar environment. That can also bring comfort.
So they might get stuck on that.
And that can create all sorts of problems, of course, not daring to go out and do more in your life and take some risks - and sometimes you need to take some risk to get great results.
And settling for mediocracy, or even less than mediocracy, and not meeting people and so on and so on. And that relates to the false, simple, happy life, as well.
They can simply resign from life, resign from a situation, resign from a relationship. It's kind of like just not showing up anymore.
And it looks like it's all of a sudden, but it was building inside of them, consciously or unconsciously.
And sometimes it's unconscious and even themselves, they don't know where it came from, It just all of a sudden it drops. All of a sudden, they just don't show up in that relationship anymore.
Or even to a lower level of just resign from life, lack of desire to be involved in life, to say the least. It gets even worse than that.
They can get trapped in unhealthy disassociation as opposed to their desired healthy nonattachment. And the discernment between these two is super critical.
It can tell you tons about where you are in your life.
Are you going up or down in your life? Are you heading towards an inevitable crisis? Or are you actually growing up spiritually and psychologically?
But that's a thing to be aware of as a nine, that disassociation.
You'll often hear them say things like," I don't know, maybe. And I'll see." And many times it's just a symbol of not caring enough. Which is a big deal.
If you ever had a situation or a time in your life that you just didn't care enough and see how bad it can deteriorate. We're talking depressions. We're talking worse than depressions.
In a way, consciously and unconsciously, it's also a way for them to buy time because they don't know what they want. So "I don't know. "
Either I can just let this thing pass and I'll never need to deal with it and know what I want, or I'll just buy time and later I will know what I want, just leave me alone for now.
There's a funny way of seeing nines, and it's kind of accurate, don't take it 100% literal. But you can say that nines, I learned that from one of my teachers, her name is Osnat, she's the head of the Israeli Enneagram Center.
You can say about nines that when they say 'yes', it's a 'maybe', and when they say 'maybe', it's a 'no.' So again, don't take it literally, but it kind of is pretty much on point.
If pushed, they can resist and become very stubborn. They don't know what they want. And if you're starting to push on them, it creates even more pressure and frustration.
And I don't even know that I don't know what I want. But I'm kind of in touch with something weird now, and I don't know what to tell you, and you're pushing me.
And I'm already like such an agreeable person and comfortable and your agenda is important.
But just like something, they can't even put it in words, again, go back to them being a body type. You can see my hand gestures and my body gestures alluding to that.
If you're with them, it's best to respect their pace and not push them, even if it's hard. Sometimes it's for their own good, but you need to be really aware and sure that it's for their good and not for your good.
Because if you push them unnecessarily, and not in the right way, it just creates resistance, and frustration, and anger. So respect their pace. That's a tip for dealing with nines.
Another shadow aspect of the nines is that they're playing down problems and pain. The optimistic thing, like everything, when it's overused it has its shadow type. It has a downside.
So I can be optimistic even in order to avoid the pain and in order to avoid dealing with the problem, in order to maintain a false state of peace of mind, even when the disaster is really already happening.
I had a client that told me 'my wife left me, and that's just the way it is, I guess. I'll get over it.' There's no real recognition of the crisis and the internal pain. 'It's going to be okay. And that's just the way it is. I'll get over it.'
Playing down the problem and the pain.
And again, that's a situation where the person already was in touch, even briefly, or to some degree, with their pain. That's a few steps ahead of the game of the unhealthy nine.
But it gets to that too. The crisis is already here. I'll still play down the problems and the pain and believe it's going to be okay and just pretend that, and not in a healthy way.
It's part of just wanting things to be harmonious and smooth.
So consciously and unconsciously, they'll reframe things in their mind to be positive. Looking at the positive aspect of that, believing it's going to be okay.
But again, like every gift, when it's overused it's a problem, it can be a huge problem.
Another thing we can say about the unhealthy, unbalanced nines is their tendency to be slothful and passive. It relates to the piece of 'I don't care, it doesn't matter, I don't matter, nothing really matters.'
And if you're hearing Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody in your mind, "nothing really matters," that always reminds me of nines.
We're not talking about laziness, though. They can be super active and whatever. Laziness can be a result of that. It's more about not wanting to participate in life.
And it can deteriorate even into not wanting to be or not wanting to do anything. It's also a desire to not be affected by life.
That life will just do its thing, pass either right for you or around you, and just not involve you in any way, shape, or form, as you just lay down on the couch or on the beach or on the hammock.
So that's more like it. It's not about laziness. Understand where it's coming from, not wanting to participate in life, not wanting to be affected by life.
It's kind of like being on a cloud or inside a fog or better yet, laying on a hammock inside the cloud, inside the fog. So it's more of that.
And they have a hard time starting things. Changing energy, for example from relaxed to active and vice versa. It's part of that slothful passive piece that it's so hard to change the energy.
It's easier to keep the current situation going, they're kind of like run by inertia. It's hard to shift from the relaxed to the active and vice versa.
So they can get stuck in either one of them for far too long.
And because their go-to energy is more relaxed, it might be more common that they'll get stuck in the over-relaxed for too long.
Another aspect of the shadow is self-forgetting. And that's a huge piece of their unhealthy patterns.
It goes through the whole parts about what do I feel, what do I think about this, what do I want, even into who am I, and stuff like that.
That's a big part of the mechanism - that part of I don't know what I feel, what I want, what's happening even.
They can be out of touch with their anger, usually to avoid the fear of loss and separation that comes with conflicts - at least according to their point of view, it comes with conflicts, because conflicts can have good things, too.
So they are not in touch with their sense of anger.
And when they become in touch with that, they are not well 'trained' or they don't have the mechanism usually to express it in a healthy way, which then creates all sorts of other problems, as you can imagine.
They do have a hard time to set priorities and even more so to stick with them.
Even if you already made a list of what's most important to do right now and priorities, and with entrepreneurs, it's really important to do that and set your daily big three things and stuff like that, and work according to priorities.
But also in life, not just as entrepreneurs. If you already made that list, it's hard for them to actually act upon it and according to it.
They have a hard time staying focused, much more of a cloud, fog, hazy kind of sense of being.
Hard time making decisions - they don't know what they want so they will say yes to what they don't want in order to avoid conflict and to gain false peace and false harmony.
And many times later they'll regret that or feel pain around that because something in them does want things and something in them does care.
So it depends on the situation. They might be in touch with that, it might surface. It might take many, many, many, many, many , many years until it surfaces too.
And that's another part of what you can expect in their life. And as a psychologist or therapist and coach, that's a good thing to be aware of.
It's a common thing to hear from them, And I have coaching clients that said that - when they speak about a situation in which the other person wants something and they want something and they're, again, ahead of the game already because they know what they want.
"He talked about it so strongly and so passionately, and it obviously matters to him so much more than it matters to me, then I don't mind. I'll do it the way he wants it."
Now, what they learn along the road when they do the work is that actually some people sometimes talk so passionately and vigorously about things, even if they don't care about them at all.
And it might have been something that the nine really cared about and they just gave it away and did it the way the other person wanted, because the energy and the way the other person spoke about it made the nine assume they wanted so much more than them.
But the nine's way of speaking is so softer and gentle and so even when they really want something, it will come out way toned down.
And so they experience that when people talk like this and they talk like that, as if the other person wants it so much more, it's so much more important to them, that's part of the nine-ish mechanism doing it trick on them.
So understand, it's not really like that. It's not really true. If you already know what you want, that's great. Now, don't think others necessarily want their way so much more than you do.
It might be your nine-ishness sabotaging things around for you because of your core belief about yourself and about the world that makes you think it matters more to others and that others' needs matter more.
And while you can say that all forms of ego and defense strategies and types are kind of forms of being asleep in a way, for nines, it actually can be described as sleeping, or sleeping while you are awake.
Here I am in my hammock, just laying down there, everything's okay, I don't need to do too much. Nothing to see here kind of.
They are not awake to their own self, they're not awake to their own needs, they're not awake to their own feelings and thoughts and desires to a degree, to a large degree.
Many times they don't speak up, which means they don't get to have what they want. They hide their gifts from us, which is the price we pay.
They hide their gifts and what they have to offer from us. They hide what they think from us. Again, sometimes, like any other person, they can contribute a lot just by sharing and speaking up.
They believe that their involvement in the world is not important, again, in the lower levels of the nine.
So it can come up something like: 'I cannot really affect the situation or this person or the world. So why bother? I might as well just lay down, chill, take it easy.'
They can be very naive and overtrusting, and I spoke before about the thing about being taken advantage of.
And they can be so much focused on the well-being of others that they get out of touch with their own agenda and their own needs and their own well-being.
But it's not so much like the twos that are constantly aware of what other people want. And if you remember their automatic focus of awareness, it goes to that.
For nines, it's a bit different. They can be, again, because their experience can be described a lot like inside a cloud, inside a fog, so it's many times unconscious that they're focused on other people's well-being.
It's more kind of like someone comes to you and tells you, 'hey, this is important to me,' and you say, 'okay,' and you'll focus on that - as opposed to your automatic focus knowing what the other person wants.
The twos sometimes know what the other person wants even before the other person knows that. They're way sharper in that sense.
Nines are not necessarily very sharp, not to say that they're stupid, but they're not very sharp in their senses and stuff like that.
So asserting themselves against others can be terrifying to nines. Now try achieving things in the world like that. Try standing up for yourself. It's hard. It's really hard.
It's like the smallest thing - if I go back to the comedy or drama movie, which one do you want to see - can be threatening because it goes like in many other types, small things go all the way to the core fear. It goes all the way to survival.
If I assert myself now against your will and against your desires, it can lead to separation and loss and not being safe and not being loved.
And here I am alone. Small me against this whole big world. How am I supposed to survive like that?
They constantly daydream and lose touch with the outside world and retreat to their cloud or hammock.
When they're in their hammock, they daydream, they drift away, they lose themselves in mindlessness and emotional mental fantasies and stuff like that, and lose touch with life and reality.
They also don't see the impact of their inaction and how they can hurt others by not reaching out and not following through on their word and so on.
And again, relate all the time to their core belief that they are not important and you can see why it's happening.
They tend to procrastinate because they don't know what they want and also because they have a line to the six.
And in the lower parts of the nine, you'll get to the lower part of the six and it's more a worrying side, seeing what can go wrong, of course, that will help you procrastinate.
And then on the other hand, when they do make a decision, they can be almost unstoppable.
One of the reasons is also because they have a line to the three and then the higher level, when they make a decision, they know what they want, they relate or connect to the higher level of the three which is the achiever part.
And let's see what else I can give you. A few more things about the downside or the unbalanced and unhealthy sides of the nine.
Their maladaptive coping mechanism for tension, stress, worry, et cetera, everything that triggers that conscious or unconscious fear of loss and separation, is numbing themselves out.
Eating TV, doing pointless tiny tasks and routines as opposed to the important stuff. Think of distractions, think of drugs, especially the more calm soothing drugs like marijuana.
They can sink into that comfort and again, not be active, not be creating relationships, not be doing things, not getting the things that they actually do want to have in life - and convince themselves that it doesn't matter and this is really what I want.
They can be seen as lazy, slow, not super smart or sharp, as doormats, as pushovers, as disconnected from reality, stubborn.
Before, we spoke about that stubbornness part, you remember that they don't necessarily know what they want, but they do know what they don't want. With that can come a lot of stubbornness.
They can be seen as aloof and distant, and unfriendly in that sense. For example, they can be just daydreaming and people think that they don't like them.
A nine is daydreaming and he would really actually want to connect with you.
But he's just in his own thing, daydreaming there and floating and also insecure and with all the nine-ish predicament.
And it can look from the outside as if they don't want to connect with you, but it's usually the opposite. And again I'm saying that also as an introvert nine, not just a nine.
Others may underestimate them because of how they can be seen and that can be super painful to be underestimated, but it also has a gift there. Sometimes we like it.
Sometimes it gives us an edge so that when I actually do go out and try to get what I want, sometimes it's easier when people have their defenses down if we're talking about something which is more competitive, of course.
Because of this whole mechanism, there are two types that are sometimes harder for them to type themselves or to be certain of what type they are. Type six is one of them and type nine is one of them.
Being certain is not a common quality for nines, it's not the state that they're usually living at. And that includes being certain what type you are.
And I can tell you, I've been with the Enneagram since 2005 and I teach and I coach and all that.
And when I prepare for sessions, coaching sessions, or recording videos like this one, and I go over the types, the other types that are not nine, I always think, well, maybe I'm this type.
I almost always have that sense, especially if I go dive deep into the type and not just in the shallow aspects of the behavior. So that's another part of their predicament.
10. Famous 9's.
Now with all that good and bad and shadows and higher parts of their personalities. Let's segue to the fun part about famous people.
And as always, we don't know these people. It's just how they are probably a nine from what we can see about them externally.
So you'd have, speaking about leaders, you have Abraham Lincoln, you have Ronald Reagan, Dwight Eisenhower, Queen Elizabeth II.
Some people say, Obama, some people say Bill Clinton. And it doesn't matter if you like these people and agree with them or not.
You can see that there's a good amount of world leaders right there. And of course, the list can go longer and longer.
There are actors like Sandra Bullock and Kevin Costner and Clint Eastwood and Woody Harrelson - and feel the energy of them.
Even Kevin Costner, Clint Eastwood, they many times play kind of like the Cowboy stereotypical character but feel the energy, how it's much softer than some other kind of Cowboys.
Audrey Hepburn, Grace Kelly, Lisa Kudrow from Friends, or at least the character she plays there, Lisa, no, Phoebe, can be very nine-ish.
Morgan Freeman, John Goodman, Whoppi Goldberg - you got a lot of actors there, and maybe it's part of their ability to merge and blend and be someone else that helps them.
You got Jung, he's considered to be a nine.
You got musicians like Jack Johnson if you know his songs, very nine-ish.
Ringo Starr, from The Beatles, is considered to be a nine.
And as always, I even like more than famous people, because we don't really know them, I like to use characters from books, movies, and TV shows.
And this I do more in my E-School and more in-depth courses, but I always like to give you one as a taste, as a teaser.
So, Winnie The Pooh is a classic nine.
And if you go read that with that understanding, you can see more of that in him and why I'm saying that.
11. Metaphors to their world.
And another way to look at the world of nines, which I believe is better than famous people, again, for the reason I mentioned before is metaphors.
So I spoke a lot about hammocks and floating on a cloud and all that floatingness, right? And a relaxing kind of vibe.
You can add to that floating on a floating mattress on a calm river. Look at how even the words are floating and calm and flowing river and stuff like that.
Now life kind of like carries you wherever and you're comfortable and inactive and everything's okay.
And life passes by and everything is soft and calm and relaxed and sleepy kind of vibe. It's very nine-ish.
Speaking about rivers, not just the floating on the river, but the river itself, right?
The river that calmly flows through nature. We're not talking about a gushing waterfall and stuff like that. It's calm. It's flowing effortlessly. It goes on.
Life goes on effortlessly. No choices to make, no obstacles to overcome. Everything flows calmly and effortlessly and naturally.
And it's very Daoist also. nines are very Daoist. Nature and calm and effortlessly.
Another metaphor is India - There's a lot of chaos but there's calmness in the midst of the chaos.
There's the word Shanti that they use a lot, and don't worry , and there's the spiritual aspect of India.
Speaking of which, meditations, Buddha, non-attachment, acceptance, letting go, radiating peace, all that? Very nine-ish.
And again, what we spoke about before, the difference between the authentic high-level side of the nine and the lower bypassing, spiritual bypassing part of the nine.
So that's to be taken into account there.
But as far as metaphors, these are all very nine-ish states and very nine-ish metaphors.
Koala bear is so soft and lovable and not moving too much and not doing too much and not saying too much. Kind of like chill, enjoying it, doing their thing. Koala bears, very nine-ish.
And last but not least, pastel colors. Pastel colors, they're soft, they're comfortable, they're not shining too bright, they're not dark or depressing either, they're kind of merging, optimistic, harmonious kind of colors.
So these are all metaphors that can help you dive into the world of the nines and understand how we are.
12. The prices type 9 pay for their strategy (/automatic patterns of behavior).
With all that, there's always the part about the price we pay for our tactics. And for nines, like everybody else, there are deep, painful prices.
Their desire to avoid conflicts and have peace and harmony at all costs, we touched it a bit here and there when I was speaking about the lower parts, means they can't resolve the issues at the core.
If I don't get into the conflict and if I don't get into the core of it, I may be able to quiet it down, but I don't resolve the issue and it's going to always come back.
They don't manage their fights, their conflicts.
They don't manage their pain in a mindful, healthy way. So the problems don't go away. They grow bigger and bigger.
And they give up on themselves. They give up on their desires.
They give up on their needs, so they get resentful and they lose their relationships many times.
And as I've mentioned in practically every other type and it's true to all the types even if I fail to mention it in certain types, the strategy creates what you're trying to avoid.
So I'm trying to be peaceful and nice in order to not have loss and separation, but many times it will actually, because I'm avoiding the conflict, I'm trying to protect the harmony at all costs and give myself up, eventually, it leads to losing their relationship many times because of that.
And because I lost touch with my authentic self and my inner guidance. And you know what?
Eventually, I don't even gain the harmony and the peace that I was after, even before I lost the relationship. So these are big prices for all that.
Living life with the constant belief that I'm not important - how about that? It's a real big pain to live with.
And of course, the "I can't get what I want and I don't matter and what I want doesn't matter"? That's a heavy load to deal it.
And that's a hard way to live life and go around. It's a huge terrible pain.
And when you feel it, instead of avoiding that, you feel how painful it is and how much pain is stored in your life as a nine.
They get out of touch with their anger so they have that whole false peace. I'm not angry, I'm not angry at you, I'm not angry practically ever. But they do get angry and they are part of the anger center.
So again, more about that in the Enneagram E-School, BetterLifeawAreness.com/eschool.
But they do have anger and because they're not in touch with it, they don't deal with it in a mindful, healthy way. So you'll see sudden outbursts of anger just as if out of nowhere.
Or on the other hand, it can be passive-aggressive expressions of anger. And it's hard for the environment to love them in this situation and to handle them in this situation.
It's so different than their usual calm self. It can be even alarming and frightening to their partners and friends and family and close people. So there's that big price.
And of course, the whole anger that is stored in your body and you're not dealing with - that's a big price to walk around in the world like that.
Downplaying problems and depressing things, and believing things will be okay even when you actually need to deal with them.
Anything that takes away that false peace? Put it aside. It will be okay. I might even not feel that it's happening.
But problems don't go away, my dear nines, they don't. They grow bigger and we know that, right?
But even though we know that just like the other types, it's compulsive, it's automatic patterns of behavior and that's why it's important to work on that because it's not going to change by itself.
So unless you do some good deep inner work, it's not going to change. And you'll keep playing out these things that bring you suffering and pain.
Wasting energy on distractions and not important things to avoid the real issues that need to be dealt with.
So there's the whole sense of losing themselves in the basic task of living and in maladaptive numb behaviors that we spoke of before.
And kind of like losing yourself in living instead of actually living.
Instead of going for what you want, because we do want things. They do want things. It's an illusion, it's a lie we tell ourselves that we don't care and we don't want and we don't matter.
And I have coaching clients that come to me and tell me how they suddenly realize either before they came to me or through our sessions that they lost their lives.
That they really do care and they do want and they don't want to achieve, they do want to get and they don't want to receive and they want to have, but they just convinced themselves that they don't because of this nine-ish mechanism, that they didn't live.
And that's part of the ability to see that and see that pain and hold that pain and stay with that pain and change.
And people that don't come to coaching and therapy, self-help, don't do the work by themselves or with others, we hear from nines eventually that many times they realize that when it's too late to achieve those things.
And it's like this big outbreak of crying pain, I've wasted my entire life. I lived in a lie all my life. That's a huge pain.
And they have that throughout their lives, even if they're not conscious of that because inside something in them, their authentic self, knows that it wants things. It knows that there's a lie here.
So even if you're not in touch with that and you're a nine, always doubt that story that you don't care, that it doesn't matter, and that you don't matter, and all that stuff.
Always doubt that because it's almost always untrue, almost always.
13. Common things they ask to be coached about.
So with that, common things they come to work on in coaching sessions is they have a hard time dealing with conflicts and at some point, it might get to them and they want to change that.
They want to stand up for themselves, they're tired of being used, all that stuff.
They have a hard time entering conflicts, too, as opposed to avoiding them or running away from them, and they want to be able to do that.
Or hard time dealing with them while they're already there, conflicts.
Hard time taking a stand, standing up for themselves or for others.
Hard time making decisions. Wanting to be able to make decisions.
Wanting to be able to know what they want like other people know, right?
And that inner feeling of their authentic self that kicks in and says, yes, it does matter to me, and I do want things.
So wanting to be able to make decisions better, know what they want.
And being less indifferent, and being able to say no to others, and setting boundaries and keeping the boundaries, all that stuff.
Another thing they want to work on is spiritual growth - authentic real spiritual growth as opposed to the bypass, and this illusion of spiritual growth.
Another thing is dealing with stress and anxiety and hard times in life because there comes a time that they can't fool themselves anymore and pretend that the fake peace is real and that they are calmly floating on a beautiful river when life's falling apart.
Ideally, deal with things before they fall apart. But even if they are falling apart, are falling apart, you can still deal with it.
They can't seem to initiate anything. It's another reason they come to coaching and people come to me and want to work on that.
Again, go to that pain of there's something in me that authentically knows that it does want to have things and achieve things just like anybody else.
Hard time figuring out their priorities and what they want to do and what's their passion in life or even smaller things in daily life. What do I want to do and how to do things.
Because they're out of touch with their authentic self and their power. It's more like 'nothing really matters. Why bother? I don't care.'
But inside there's that inner authentic self that knows and kicks in and says 'No, that's not true. That's not true. Stop believing that lie.' So when they hear that, eventually, they might come for help.
Another thing they come for help with is when they feel that they don't fully live. That they don't engage in life and they feel the pain that comes from that.
That everything is detached, that others are having fun and living life and I'm not. I'm just numb and dull and I want what they have.
Another thing is that when they want to create, succeed, do something that they love with their life or even something big, God forbid.
So when they want to overcome that voice in them that tells them to live small and that it's better this way and that simple, peaceful life is better for them.
And it might be better for them when it's authentic, but I'm talking about the inauthentic part.
And then the authentic part comes in and kicks, 'No no no no no, I don't buy that anymore. Look at all these times and all these prices that we paid for that.'
The last thing I'd say that they come to coaching with, and of course, there's more, but the last thing that I'll mention is wanting to become more confident.
14. Type 9's ultimate mission for growth & happiness.
With that, the ultimate mission for growth and happiness for nines is to wake up and get in touch with who they are, what they want, what they need, and go for it.
Not just get in touch with that, but even go for it.
And to realize that they are just as important as anyone else and they matter just as much as anyone else.
And their needs and desires and their feelings and everything matter just as much too.
And another aspect of that ultimate mission for growth and happiness for nines is to realize how much they matter and how loved they are.
If you remember what I said before, the piece about being loved.
And to learn that you don't have to be peaceful and easygoing in order to be loved, and sometimes that's actually going to keep people away from you, at least in the long run.
So there's that and there's so much more in the Enneagram courses in my Enneagram school, the E-School, we go way deeper.
We cover so many more things like the way the type creates the reality that aligns with their belief, the part that I do it to myself.
The traps, the paradox, the turning points, the keys for growth, the change of focus.
Wings, arrows, also called lines sometimes, exercises, how to get along with them, how is the type showing up at work - great for entrepreneurs and for bosses too and for employees, I guess too.
And we mentioned before the centers, and instincts, and there are tritypes, and levels of development, and relationships, and communication, and how to talk to them.
And the spiritual aspect of the Enneagram and so much more really.
And certification courses for coaches and therapists and so much more.
And this is the last video in this series of the Enneagram blueprint show.
I hope you enjoyed it. I hope this video was helpful for you. I hope the whole series was helpful for you.
I hope if you're a nine or a friend of nines or professional working with nines, this helps you.
I hope I opened your appetite to knowing more about the Enneagram and how beautiful it is and how it can help you in your life or in your profession - again, if you're working with people as a professional.
Feel free to comment, ask, write, contact us, contact me. Go to www.BetterLifeAwareness.com/Eschool for more information and more in-depth courses and for ways to contact me too.
I'll be happy to answer your questions. I'll be happy to hear how this helped you. I'll be happy to hear what you want to know more. I'm here for you.
Share with me, share your comments, share your takeaways, share your A-HA moments in the comments below, you can send me emails - or even join E-School, our Enneagram school at betterlifeawareness.com/eschool.
And that's it for now. Have a beautiful, beautiful day. I love you lots.
To your better life,
with tons of 💖
Founder, Teacher, and Coach
Better Life Awareness Center