Enneagram Type 2 Blueprint: The Proud HelperOct 18, 2021
(By Eldad Ben-Moshe)
❤ Hey there Better Lifers!
We're in another video in our Enneagram Blueprint series. And this time, type two, The Proud Helper.
Now, if you haven't seen the previous videos in the series, we have the first video which is what is the Enneagram and how is it changing so many people's lives;
And we have the video about type one.
And in that video about type one, there are some important notes about finding your type and about the names of the types.
I'd definitely give that one a good look even if you're not interested in type one for whatever reason, at least the first few minutes just to get that.
And the first video is an introduction to the Enneagram world, what is it exactly, and how to use it in a very powerful way that is beyond just knowledge and typing people around.
This is not my full online course or non-online, in-person course. This is a taste. So there's only so much I can dive into - even in an online course there's only so much I can dive into.
But the important thing is that here, in the Enneagram Blueprint series, I'm going to give you the essential blueprint of the nine types. It will be a quick description of each type, and it is going to be beautiful.
Type 2's Blueprint: The Proud Helper.
1. Type 2's core belief.
So without further ado, let's talk about type two, The Proud Helper.
Now as we said before in the previous videos, it all starts from the core belief, right?
The Enneagram type is a defense mechanism. The personality is basically the defense mechanism, a way to deal with what's happening in the world.
And a lot is happening, not just these days, right? There's always something. And so the personality is our way to try and deal with that, get what we want, avoid what we're afraid of, and so on, and so on.
And all the behavioral patterns that we're seeing are aimed to serve that. So it all starts from where, if you remember? The core belief. It all starts from the core belief.
And type two's core belief about the world is this:
In this world, you must give in order to receive.
And that includes not just receiving gifts, that includes receiving love, receiving safety.
So it goes way back down all the way to our deepest needs and our survival and all that.
2. Type 2's core need.
So if that is what's going on in the world, if you have to give in order to receive, I must be in a relationship with people.
I must be close to people so that I could give them, so I could be important or even indispensable to them so that I'll be able to get my needs met too.
So from this core belief, we can see the core need and the core fear of type two. The core need or what they want the most is relationships.
Because then I can feel loved. I can get approval. I can give and receive.
I can get recognition. I can get admiration.
This serves my need or my core belief that I must give in order to receive. If I don't have a relationship with others, I can't give and I can't receive.
And as we said in the video about type one, it's always together with the two core needs that we all have, which are survival, or safety, and love.
So in the case of type two, on top of these two or together with these two, you have a relationship as the core need.
3. Type 2's core fear.
As far as the core fear goes, that is being inconsequential, being dispensable, being useless, being needy, being ignored or left out or unwanted, being out of the loop of relationships in which I can be approved of, recognized, admired and all that.
Here comes the core fear. If I'm inconsequential, dispensable, useless and all that, I am unworthy of being loved. That's the core fear - being unworthy of love.
Now again, everybody has that fear on some level, but we're talking about the modality - the Enneagram is a modality that is dynamic and we all have access to all nine rooms if you remember that analogy.
There are some rooms that you spend more time in and there's one room that you spend the most time in.
And so for people of type two, that fear of being unworthy of love is bigger than for the rest of us. Just like for type one, their core fear, we all have a part of that but for them, that's the main, main, main fear in their life.
Again, it can be totally unconscious.
It all depends on how much work you've done in your life and how much you went and saw behind the scenes how your mind works. But that's the core fear of type two. Even though we all have that, for them it's the core fear.
4. Type 2's strategy and tactics.
So as we said, the strategy is a desire to fulfill our need and to avoid what we are afraid of. We said that in the previous videos.
And the tactics of our personality, the entire structure, aims to fulfill our need and avoid our fear.
So in the case of people with personality type two of the Enneagram, you can say that for them to be loved and to be safe and avoid being inconsequential and unworthy of being loved, I must be in relationships with others and help them.
I must have that. I must do that. I must be that.
It goes all the way down, again, to the very, very, very core sense of safety and existence. And that's why the word "must" is a key here.
It's not like, 'okay it would be nice to have a relationship', 'It would be cool to be helpful', 'It's a good thing to be a helpful human being.'
No, this is survival. This is a must. It's not an option. It's not a 'nice to have'.
If I am not helpful to people I will not exist anymore. I will not survive. It's a life or death situation in their mind. And again, many times unconscious.
5. Type 2's automatic focus of awareness.
So if that's how I walk around in the world, my automatic focus of awareness would be to other people's needs because this way I can know what they need, I can fulfill their needs, and I can have the recognition and love and safety and all that stuff.
I can be safe. I can be loved.
If I don't know what you need, it's going to be much harder to be inconsequential to you, to be indispensable to you, to be that important, that you'll have to have me in your life - and then you'll give me what I need too.
So I must know what you need. Either you'll tell me or I'll somehow intuitively know.
Or else I just start giving you things randomly but that won't be so effective. Right? I'll end up giving you things that you don't want, that maybe even create anger in you.
So I must know what other people need. And that's their automatic, again many times unconscious, focus of awareness.
They'll go around in the world and something in them will just get attracted to knowing that or just intuit that. And that happens a lot to type two, we'll get to that.
6. Type 2's automatic focus of actions.
So that's the automatic focus of attention of awareness and that leads to their automatic focus of actions, which is being in relationships.
Now relationship, when I say relationship in that case, it's not necessarily just long-term relationships.
It can be just being at a party and their focus might just go to who can I converse with, who can I be in touch with right now so that I'll get closer to them and I'll be able to see what they need.
Maybe I'll see you standing there on the side and I'll say, oh, I can come and talk to you. I can give you a drink. I can ask if you're okay. And again totally unconscious and I might just think that I'm being nice.
And if it comes from the authentic place, you are being nice. But if it comes from the ego's survival strategy, we'll see that there's more to it than that. But that will be their focus of actions.
7. Type 2's self-image.
And then comes their self-image.
If I am all that, if I am that kind of person that sees your needs and meets them and I don't know that I'm doing that in order to receive, my self-image is that I am very helpful.
I'm useful, I'm needed, I'm caring, I'm altruistic, I'm nurturing, I'm considerate, I'm warm. These are common expressions that we hear from them.
Again, the Enneagram is not just about some dry theory. We actually get to hear from people about themselves.
I know from working with people, and of course, from studying the Enneagram many years. My teachers know from working with people and then me, as a coach and as a teacher I know too from working with people.
I know what people with personality type two of the Enneagram tend to say about their needs and their self-image and all that.
So it's not just random words or just theory that someone combined together that if you are like this then this will be your self-image. No. These are actually words that people are using to describe themselves.
So all that will lead to the behavior.
8. Type 2's gifts (“healthy”/ balanced/ high level of development).
Eventually, the behavior that we see in people is a result.
Of their core belief to begin with, and everything that follows that: The core belief, the core need, the core fear, the automatic focus of attention, what they're trying to receive, and what they're trying to avoid.
The behavior that we see is basically trying to get the core need met and avoid the core fear according to our beliefs, and specifically our core belief, and it's a result of their automatic focus of attention and automatic focus of actions.
You can be a healthy two or an unhealthy two.
Another name for that can be a balance two or a high level of development two or an unbalanced two or a low level of development two or a medium level of development.
Eventually, it's not about strict categorization but just to tell you that as we saw in type one, Gandhi is a type one and Osama Bin Laden is a type one. They both operate from the same mechanism but at a very different level of development.
And other factors too contribute to their differences, but specifically, I'm talking about levels of development now.
So what I'm going to talk about now are the typical behaviors of type two.
I want to remind you to watch the video of type one. We talked about there's healthy, there's unhealthy, and it's typical behavior, it's not every person with type two will have all of these, but it's typical that they will feel a good level of identification with a good amount of these typical behaviors.
And the list is way longer than what I'm going to do here, it's just a taste, and all those things we discussed are still valid.
So having said all that, here are some typical healthy behaviors of people with Enneagram type two:
They'll be very generous, they'll be very warmhearted, they'll be very kind, they'll be very affectionate, very friendly, supportive, and thoughtful.
And again, many times it's from a genuine place - and even more so when it's in the healthy part, that's the part that overcame or at least overcame to a good substantial amount that habit of giving with expecting something back.
They practiced clean giving.
They saw their unclean giving, they saw the prices they paid for that, they overcame that through practice and stuff like that, and now we're talking about healthy twos or high level of development twos.
All this giving and friendliness and support is authentic. It's without wanting to receive something back.
And obviously, they'll help people a lot.
So they might give you even before you ask of them, again from the clean healthy place, it's because they see what you need and they do it lovingly without wanting to get back.
But they have that automatic focus of knowing what you need.
And sometimes, like every gift, if it's misused or overused it becomes a problem.
if I'm starting to impose myself in giving or if I'm sure that I know what you need because I'm a type two, and I heard that type two know that, and sometimes in my life it's true, and I'm sure that I know right now what's best for you and you're telling me that it's not what you need - It's wise to listen to you and not be so sure of myself.
So we want to address that, too.
They're often able to know what you need, what you want and even how you feel before you and that can help them have a lot of empathy, can have a lot of love, a lot of compassion.
So we can see all that from them a lot, again in the higher levels of development.
And when we're talking about their giving, so when I spoke about clean giving, we're talking about real altruistic giving.
If I'm talking about something that expects anything in return, whether it's love, whether it's help, whether it's appreciation, recognition, that's human - but that's not clean giving.
That doesn't mean you're a bad person, but it means there's a thing that you can look at and maybe avoid some of your suffering because we'll get to 'the price they pay' part for their behavior and for their strategy, and you'll see that sometimes giving in order to receive, even if that's unconscious, they pray great price for that.
Another part of their healthy behavior is that they create connections and relationships very, very easily.
They love finding commonalities with others, they love being friendly, they love being around people and all that - both because they need to and because they actually love it.
Especially again when we're talking about the healthy parts of type two.
9. Type 2's shadows (“unhealthy”/ unbalanced/ lower levels of development).
Now when we come to speak about the shadows, the shadow aspect of type two in the Enneagram, what we call the unhealthy and unbalanced -
One thing we can expect to see sometimes is that they can be manipulative. They can use inauthentic flattery and, of course, unclean giving to gain attention and to get love.
And again, I want to ask you and remind you one of the gifts of the Enneagram is that it can help us have more compassion for people and less judgment. So if you're thinking, 'oh, she's doing that because she's manipulative', ok, but let's also remember why.
Let's remember that it goes as deep as a survival need, right? It's hard to control that. It's hard to overcome that. It takes work. And probably you are doing that with your type too.
I'm doing that too sometimes. I'm acting sometimes from my core fear. We're not saying that anyone is perfect. So we're talking about the shadow aspect - have compassion too.
That's a proper and better use of the Enneagram, as opposed to tagging and hating and throwing stuff at people, 'oh, you're manipulative' and stuff like that. No.
Understand why and have compassion and if they want, you might be able to help them overcome that. But it's up to them.
So another thing we can see with type two in the unhealthy side, or the shadow part, is they can be proud consciously and unconsciously about their giving and also about not having needs.
And that's a deeper discussion than I can't do in this video. I need to dive deeper into that aspect and I do that in the online courses that I have about Enneagram. But that's something that you can be wise to be aware of.
There's a level of pride there but many times they don't see it. They really do experience it as if they have real, clean, egoless satisfaction from being able to help and give and make a difference in people's lives. They don't feel that they are proud.
And it goes back a bit to the names of the Enneagram types.
And when I chose two-part names, which is not the usual case in the Enneagram world, I did again the thing that is even less usual, which is that one part is the shadow part and that might make people uncomfortable sometimes - and especially if that's your type.
I don't want to be proud. I'm not proud. I'm really giving because I want to give and stuff like that. But if you dive deeper into their motives we see that's there.
So even if it's uncomfortable, I want to put those shadows out there and let's discuss them and just be aware of them without judgment so that we can overcome them.
If you feel the prices that you pay for things in your life, you have the motivation to make a change.
So once they can get connected with that pride that they are hiding from themselves unconsciously as part of their defense mechanism, they have a better chance of making a real significant change in their life.
And that's true to all the types with their blind spots and the things that they are pushing down so that they won't need to look at.
It's not just for type two. For type two, it's about pride and manipulation and inauthentic flattery and inauthentic giving, stuff like that.
Another thing we can see in unbalanced, unhealthy type twos is that they can be insensitive to other people's boundaries.
For example, giving when it's not asked for and even when I don't want you to give, I actually want some space from you right now, I want something else from you, I don't need you to give me anything. It can get unpleasant. It can be intrusive.
So that becomes a shadow, as a good example of how a gift can become a problem when it's overused. I'm overgiving now. I'm insensitive to your boundaries and to your needs. I'm doing that compulsively.
Another shadow aspect is that they can be, and that's a common, common complaint of type two, they can be sacrificing themselves, their needs, their peace, their health, and everything for others.
And then they have a hard time setting boundaries and maintaining the boundaries and it creates anger and resentment, underneath in the beginning, and it comes more and more to the surface.
And that anger and resentment are both towards themselves - 'Why do I keep doing that? '; 'Why can't they have boundaries?'; 'Why don't I take care of myself?';
And towards others, because they are part of that - 'Why don't they take care of me' and so on and so on.
Another shadow aspect is that they can feel insulted when their giving is rejected or experience it is rejected.
Like, if I don't want this right now from you, it doesn't mean that I'm rejecting you, it doesn't mean that I'm rejecting your giving. It just means that at this moment this is not what I need. I need you to respect me. But they can get insulted.
They can feel that they are rejected. They can start feeling threatened because it goes all the way back to their need for survival, to their feeling of survival. It's a survival defense mechanism. So if I can't give you now, what does that mean?
Where does that put me? Where does that put our relationship? Does that mean I won't be able to receive also? Does that mean I won't be receiving love and safety and recognition and all that?
So that's why they can get insulted. It's actually a predecessor for the sense of threat. That's the idea.
They can see taking care of themselves as selfish and even as dangerous. Because, again, if I take care of my needs that means I'm not taking care of your needs.
And if I'm not taking care of your needs, you know what happens, right? My sense of safety is being triggered.
They can have over-identification with others. They can lose themselves. They can lose their authentic voice or authentic needs.
Why? Because my focus is on you and your needs. My automatic focus is that. And in order to be safe, I need to serve your needs.
So it doesn't matter what I want right now because whatever I want it's not as strong as my need for safety. So I will lose myself in you. I will lose my needs. I will lose my voice, my authentic self. I will lose that.
Now of course you don't really lose your authentic self. It's more like 'I will lose touch with my authentic self', in order to be there for you and to save you.
They can feel worthless even unless they give unless they get recognized for their giving unless they get appreciated for the giving.
Just think and feel how is it to walk in the world and feel worthless unless I can fulfill your needs. That's a deep, deep wound, right? It's hard to go around in the world like that. It's really really hard.
They can confuse dependency on others with relationships, or even worse, as healthy relationships.
They get many times into abusive relationships. They even attract abusers because they're an easy target for abusers.
They're giving and giving and consciously or unconsciously the abusers, and people who want to get things from people without giving back and stuff like that, lower-level type two are an easy target for them many times.
They can attract this kind of people many times and they many times would even think they have a relationship with that person, or even worse, a healthy relationship.
Until at some point there's enough pain that they can start looking at things differently and do enough work that they can make some changes in their life in that aspect specifically and other aspects too.
But it's not a given that they'll understand that they are in an abusive relationship.
It's not a given that they'll understand that change must happen here if they want to have real peace, real safety, real joy, real relationships, real love.
They obviously have a hard time saying no, to a fault.
And they are sometimes expecting others to know what they need, just like I know what you need. 'Why can't you know what I need?'
Well, the answer is because we have different lenses, right? My lens as a type seven is different, and I don't know what you need.
But again, I remind you we're talking about the unhealthy unbalance part of the two. Not all twos are like that.
And again, we spoke about the abusive relationship, but even without the significant partner specifically, they might feel like they are a victim.
They might think that they don't receive back for all their giving. And that is again, very, very, very hard to walk around with, especially when it's not true.
If you didn't get what you wanted from me when you wanted it, and I did have some boundaries and I had to work around them and my giving is different than your absolute giving, it doesn't mean I don't care. It doesn't mean I'm not giving back.
It might mean that your lens kind of distorts the way things are and tells you that I'm not giving at all. And that's a big difference.
And then relationships can go to the drain because 'I'm not getting back what I need from you at all', and 'you are not there for me at all', and it gets to all these extremes which are hard to come back from. You can with a lot of work.
And again, one of the amazing gifts of the Enneagram is that it's not just about typing. It gives you a great path of transformation.
It gives you the ability to understand what's happening and why it's happening and also how to make a real change. it helps you overcome the obstacles to your happier, better, more awakened life.
10. Metaphors to their world.
So if we want to speak about type two in terms of metaphors, now that we said all that, we can think of it in terms of the Divine Mother, the clean, endless, amazing giving of the Divine Mother we can speak about.
Mother Theresa is a symbol of that, too.
And a less common but very interesting metaphor I can give you for that is that of the food vendor on a train.
Think of that person. He doesn't have his own place. He doesn't have his own shop or kiosk or whatever. He goes around from one part of the train to another.
And why is he on the train? He doesn't really go to any destination, as opposed to the passengers.
You might even say that he doesn't have existence unless someone needs something from him, which is how sometimes type two feel - again, many times unconsciously, and when they get in touch with these parts of themselves, it becomes conscious.
connect with that part of 'I don't have a place of my own it's all about you'. I don't have an existence of my own unless someone needs something from me unless I can serve people.
It sounds very noble when I say it, 'unless I can serve people I don't have existence'. But it's actually to a fault. And that's the difference between the high level and the low level of type two.
11. The prices type 2 pay for their strategy (/automatic patterns of behavior).
So when we come to speak about the prices that they pay for their tactics, that's always a sad, sad place.
But it's also good to be aware of that because once I'm aware of the prices that I'm paying for this, I don't just say 'that's the way I am, I'm giving, and it's them that are at fault that they're not giving me back', and 'people are just not as generous as I am' and all that.
Once you look behind that and you see what's happening, really, and why are you doing what you're doing, and where are you distorting reality with stories and misunderstandings, and what are the prices that you're paying for that;
When you get in touch with that pain, that's when you can start having enough motivation to make real changes in your life.
As I like to say, nobody wants to wake up from a good dream, when everything is pleasant and everything is cool. Nobody wants to make changes at that time.
We want to wake up from the nightmares. We want to make changes when things are bad enough that it's worth it and important enough to make the changes.
The deeper the changes are, the harder they might get. And then we'll need the deeper motivation which usually comes from being in touch with the deeper pain in our life.
So with that said, some of the prices that they are paying for their tactics, for the survival mechanism, for this type two patterns of behavior, and of course the core belief, is that overgiving at their own expense.
Now that is bad enough on its own.
But what that leads to, is that many times they come to me when they are already drained and crushed and disappointed from people or a specific person, many times a significant other or the kids, or the mother, the father.
They're ending up really drained and crushed and disappointed and resentful and even depleted of internal and even external resources.
It goes to giving all their money for example, and even to people that they hardly even know because 'that's what a good person does' and 'Karma will pay me back' and all that stuff.
And I'm not saying yes or no, it does happen or doesn't happen that Karma pays you back. You can argue philosophy and theory until tomorrow.
But I'm telling you things that they are saying and why they'll end up in debt sometimes, many times...
And even from a place of debt they'll still give money to others who don't even need it that much - because it's compulsive. Because they feel like they have to, they feel like they're doing the right thing.
Again, I'm talking about the less balanced parts of the two.
Another price that they pay is that no one indeed gives as much as they do. But it's also because they do it to a fault. It's not just a virtue. It's not just a good thing. Sometimes we need to know when to say no.
So it becomes a thing they pay a big price for. And they also feel rejected and resentful and angry when people don't give as much as they do. And again, no one gives as much as they do.
And a common hidden complaint that you will hear from them at some point in the relationship with another person is "after all I've given for them, after everything I've done for them, this is what I get in return?".
So if you feel that, it doesn't mean you're a type two. But if it's an ongoing thing in your life, that might be a good tip that you might want to take a good close look at type two.
It might be your main type or tritype or some other influence, arrows and wings and stuff like that. Less of the wing in this situation, but you get the picture.
So like I said before, another price that they pay is that they actually attract many times needy and exploiting and abusive people.
And they're giving and helping so much that they just make it easy for others to become dependent on them. So it's not just people who are exploiting and abusive consciously, it's even unconscious.
It might be, 'okay, she's doing all that and it's easy to lean on to that' or 'he is doing all that and it's easy for me to lean on to that'. I get used to that. This is your part in the relationship.
You know, the contract is that you do this and that because you just do and that's what you do naturally. So let's just lean into that. But it ends up many times being bad for the relationship.
It ends up leaving the type two person drained and resentful and disappointed and the other person is also kind of disempowered because I'm used to you doing that for me, a lot of things for me, not just that one thing.
So it actually can many times have a bad effect on the relationship, like anything which is overdone and overused and out of control.
12. Common things they ask to be coached about.
So I think I said before kind of in between the lines that type two many times come to me as a coach with this or that.
I gave an example before about one thing they come to me with, like when they are drained emotionally or from assets and stuff like that.
But there actually is one of the great things about the Enneagram, and this is amazing, especially if you're a coach or a therapist, that there are common things that different types come to you and ask to work on in coaching.
So one of the main things is balancing their giving because they already see the pain and the price that they pay for that.
Taking care of their own needs is a big one, too.
Creating and managing boundaries is huge and super common that people would come to me with as a goal and a thing they want to work on.
Having a better sense of their own worth, a better self-image and better self-esteem, because again, I'm walking around in the world as if I'm just a service. I'm here of service to you.
That can be very noble when it's clean and you're Mother Theresa. But most of us are not Mother Theresa. And if it's out of balance, I'll feel worthless.
Most of the time I feel I don't have my own worth just like that vendor in the train, which is not to say that a person who is actually a vendor in the train doesn't have a sense of worth, it's a metaphor, right?
If I'm not useful to people, what am I doing here? Why am I on this train right now? I'm here to fulfill this job of being useful to people and get money. But again, it's a metaphor.
So having a better sense of their own worth and better self-image and all that, that is another huge common thing they come to me for coaching.
Relationships with needy and exploiting and abusive people that they attract, again, unknowingly, and we can dive and see how they attract them and how to stop attracting them and how to get out of these relationships. That's a lot of work that I do with type two people.
Learning to say no without feeling they are a terrible person, and we all sometimes feel bad when we say no, but imagine that's compulsive.
Imagine that every time you say no, even to the smallest thing, there's gonna be something here in your head that would tell you you're a terrible person. You're awful. 'What kind of a person are you?', and 'you won't be safe', again unconsciously.
They have a lot of shame that they want to deal with.
And also another thing that they come to me for coaching is allowing others to give them and help them.
They understand at some point that they are actually not letting others give them, which is part of the reason they think people don't help them and don't give them.
At some point, either before they come to me or once they come to me, they can see how they block others from giving.
It can be "I don't have needs, I don't want anything right now" inauthentically and so on and so on and so on.
13. Type 2's ultimate mission for growth & happiness.
So eventually, there are a lot of steps and a lot of things we can do to improve. But the ultimate mission for growth for people with type two in Enneagram is to realize that you cannot buy love.
You don't have to give and be helpful in order to be loved and to be safe. And as we said in previous videos, the type's strategy actually many times works against you once you overdo it.
Once you abuse the gift that you have and you dive into the shadows of the type, the survival mechanism that is aimed at gaining safety and love and all that is actually creating the adverse response. It actually pushes people away.
So the ultimate mission, as we said, you can't buy love and you don't have to give and be helpful in order to be loved and to be safe.
You can and should be loved for who you are even if you're not giving all the time or even most of the time.
And the other part of their ultimate mission for growth is to balance their giving and learn that their needs matter just as much as any other person's needs, and learn and practice clean giving, and learn to take care of themselves. Allow others to help them and learn to ask for help.
It's all a part of that thing which I call balance their giving and learn that their needs matter just as much as other people, and that their safety does not depend on pushing down, ignoring, or even denying their needs.
So I hope this is helpful my friend.
Perhaps you see yourself as type two.
It might be that you have a strong influence of two in your Enneagram complex. It might be that you are predominantly a type two, that it's your main type.
You might know another person who is type two when you hear about it and you can think of them.
I hope this will help you in your journey with yourself or with another person who is an Enneagram type two.
If you are curious, let's talk about it.
You can share some comments, write me an email, or even join E-School™, our Enneagram school at betterlifeawareness.com/eschool.
- we'll be happy to see you there.
I'm here for questions. I'm here for help.
And the next step is to go ahead and watch the video for type three, The Self-Promoting Achiever.
Love you. Have a beautiful day. Bye for now.
To your better life,
with tons of 💖
Founder, Teacher, and Coach
Better Life Awareness Center