Relationships: "I feel stuck, It’s a checkmate."Jul 20, 2020
(By Eldad Ben-Moshe ✨ Reading Time: 4 minutes)
❤ Hey there Better Lifers!
(romantic and other)
They can be both the best and the hardest, can't they?
If you just said yes-
you’re not alone, as you’ll see below.
If you said no…
especially if the ‘no’ was about it being the hardest…
You’re either in denial,
haven’t had a long enough relationship,
suffocating your true emotions,
or you don’t know what’s coming ahead...
Or you’re a perfect being, a totally enlightened master, in which case-
please let me in on your secret!
As a part of my service to our community,
I asked you in my last email what you would like me to help you with right now
(if you’re reading this blog, but didn’t sign up for my emails yet -
you’re missing out.
As you see, my email list community gets exclusive bonuses
and more direct communication with me.
Join the list here.)
And when you speak, I listen.
When you ask, I answer.
One of the emails I got was from Mické D. from Denmark, and he presents a significant issue about relationships.
He speaks about his wife and son, but this is true to any relationship, with anyone.
In short, this is what he said (all personal details were removed or changed):
Thank you for asking.
My relationship with my wife and my 22 years old boy is my hardest thing right now!
My wife is asking me to do things, and if I say no and she says I don’t love her,
and she gets so sad that I end up doing it even if I don’t want to.
It feels like I’m being forced to do stuff I don’t want to.
So most of the time,
I’m just doing things because I don’t want to hurt them by being honest.
First, she asks me if i’m willing to do something, giving me a choice,
but if I say no, she doesn’t like my answer.
She starts to complain until she gets what she wants.
It’s so difficult.
And as if that’s not enough,
when I ask my wife or my son something, they always say no.
I need to forgive myself. But it’s so difficult.
I have pleased them my whole life until I realized that I don’t get back what I gave them,
so I stopped being a people pleaser.
It takes two to tango,
and I just gave up on our marriage even though I do love her.
Can’t live with her and can’t live without her!
It feels like a checkmate :-(
What can we do in a relationship where we feel stuck, and unfairly treated?
What can we do in such a situation?
The surprising answer is below.
But I have to warn you...
👉 It's not an easy answer.
👉 And you are not going to like it.
🎯 But that's why it works.
Can you handle it?
Can you do what it takes?
If you can, you just might save your relationships...
Hi dear Mické.
Thank you for sharing this with me.
This honestly sounds hard, and I’m feeling for you.
Relationships - romantic, family, and others - can be hard.
And the feelings of checkmate, and of giving up,
are really difficult to live with.
So many of us - including me -
experience that in some of our closest relationships.
Indeed we cannot change the others, nor should we -
it’s not our business or our role.
We can only offer to be as loving as we can -
including to ourselves.
A clear, clean, loving communication can help sometimes.
Being gentle and kind even when we really don’t want to can help sometimes.
But there is no one solution to all situations.
At least not as far as ‘doing’ is concerned.
Sometimes, when people are too much giving themselves up,
setting boundaries - lovingly, with clear, clean, loving communication -
can be better.
Obviously, I cannot advise on relationships with others based on an email.
Like anything, the more in-depth help is done through coaching sessions,
as there is only so much I can do via email.
(While Mické is a student of ACIM, if you don’t know the difference,
read about it here.)
So when you’re saying that you are forgiving yourself -
remember the course’s true meaning of that word.
When I help people with relationships,
we work on multiple levels:
We work on the way they act towards each other,
I help them at least as much by directing them back inside to their inner work-
because that’s where the real work always is.
It does take 2 to tango, as you said, but even in tango,
each one is still doing his own part in the dance.
The more you look at ‘them’ and make it about ‘them’,
the further away you are from peace, joy, and love.
And that is true to anyone, in any situation.
I know it’s not an easy practice,
because it does seem like others and the world are doing things to us.
But it is the best practice and the one A Course in Miracles suggests as well.
Shifting our focus back to the source of the problem,
rather than to the effect,
is what I’m suggesting here.
If you want to have a better life,
and better realtionships,
extreme ownership and radical response-abilty is the name of the game.
If you want suffering, contiune to play 'the blame game'.
Either way, you'll reap what you sow.
As long as we’re looking outside of ourselves,
we are wrong about the real cause of our pain.
I couldn’t suggest this to everyone - it is true to everyone,
but not everyone is at the level that they can accept and understand that.
But from what I experience from you, I feel like you are ready for that.
By the way, that does not mean we stop dealing with people and the world.
Remember, I also spoke about having loving boundaries,
and clean, clear, loving communication.
So what I’m saying is that we need to learn to walk both worlds:
Deal with the outside,
while remembering, dealing with, and focusing on the inside.
I hope this helps, dear Mické, please let me know.
And please continue your beautiful work.
I see you and how you’re spreading your light while being authentic,
as you’ve been in this email.
You are beautiful.
You are love itself.
With Blessings of Peace, Love, and Happiness,
P.S. - do you know your enneagram type?
I find it helps a lot to deal with life and with relationships.
It sure helped me, and it helps many of my coaching clients.
Just like ACIM,
there is TONS of false information and misunderstanding about it out there.
But with the right understanding, it is an incredible, life-changing tool.
it helps a lot in dealing with the pattern of people-pleasing,
and with our disappointment from people not showing up for us the way we show up for them -
both of which you mentioned in your email.
Based on your beautiful email, I think it might help you too.
And best of all...
Here's Mické's response
(minus some private things and compliments to me.
All highlighted parts were highlighted by me):
As I was reading you beautiful aid I realized that I forgot that in dancing tango I have to lead, and not the other way around!I remembered that my issue with my son and my my wife is that I did the same with my father when I was a kid and I was so terrible to my wife many years ago that we almost separated many times and we are still hurting and recovering!And all that I’m projecting out is what I’m seeing that is done to me!But o boy what I have more work to do, I thought I was done learning!I like to know about enneagram!Looking forward to hear from you!This Is amazing!Thank you Eldad for you care!
Practical Actionable Steps - From Information to Transformation:
- Choose your 1 key takeaway from this post.
Choose the thing that inspired you the most.
- Choose a specific relationship you want to start practicing that takeaway in.
- Choose a way to remind yourself to practice it -
you’d be surprised how quickly you’ll forget all about it.
It’s not accidental - it’s a result of your resistance.
- Want to take it to the next level?
(Research shows that those who do this have 65%-95% chances of succeeding!)
4.1 Find an accountability buddy.
4.2 Declare your commitment to practice _____ in your relationship with ______.
4.3 Share with your accountability buddy at least once a week (ideally more) how is that going.
4.4 (yes, your accountability buddy can be me. Free of charge. Email me and I'll always respond.)
You can do this!
- Baby steps.
Done is better than perfect.
To your better life,
with tons of 💖
Founder, Teacher, and Coach
Better Life Awareness Center
Life is a journey of learning together, learning from each other.
You don’t have to do it alone.
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I love hearing what you think and answering your questions.